


You Starve And Near Exhaust Me

by CaptainLeBubbles



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fallen Angel Gabriel (Good Omens), Humor, Ineffable Bureaucracy, Other, a/c is just briefly mentioned at the end, first two ships are one-sided, romance novels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 18:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20102020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLeBubbles/pseuds/CaptainLeBubbles
Summary: Now that Gabriel is Fallen, he’s allowed to fraternize with demons. It’s time for the tempted to become the tempter.





	You Starve And Near Exhaust Me

**Author's Note:**

> One day I’ll write something for Fallen Gabriel that involves his actual Fall and the emotional impact of that, but writing about him being a prince of hell and Beelz being his bffff (best fallen fly friend forever) is way more entertaining.
> 
> Sort-of a sequel to [How You Change My World You Precious Thing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19750030).

Gabriel threw open Beelzebub’s office door and swaggered in, dropping himself into one of the rickety wooden chairs furnishing said office and straddling the back with his usual smug grin.

“Beelzebub!” he said. “I need a favor.”

Aforenamed Hell-prince squeezed the bridge of her nose with a sigh.

“I regret the day I convinced Satan it would be entertaining to make you a prince of hell.” She sighed. Lowered her hand. “What do you want?”

“You read books, right?” he asked. “Books about humans seducing each other?”

“What.”

“You’ve got about fifteen in your desk.”

She bristled. “How do you know about thozze?”

“I needed to borrow a pen. By the way, none of your pens work.”

“I know! Thizzz izzz hell! Penzz never work here! Zzztay out of my dezzzzk!”

He held up his hands in surrender, and she took a moment to get her buzzing under control, then slouched back and glared murder at him.

“What do you want.”

“I was thinking,” and she didn’t make a smart-ass remark about how he wasn’t suited for it, “that now that I’m a demon I’m allowed to fraternize with demons, right?” He raised an eyebrow for confirmation. “Right?”

Her mouth was suddenly dry. Her heart was pounding in her chest- why did she even have one of those? She didn’t need one. She banished it with a thought, and nodded slowly.

“Right! So, there’s a demon I’ve had my eye on for awhile now, and I have no idea how to actually seduce someone, so I was going to get your advice, since you’ve read books about humans seducing each other.”

“I szee.” She swallowed, tried to keep her face as carefully neutral as possible. “And… what demon were you.. looking to szeduze?”

“Crowley.”

What. “What?”

_What_.

“He’s been tempting me for ages, sauntering around with those hips and those jeans and that tongue. I’m going to turn the tables on him, be the one doing the tempting for a change.”

He looked so pleased with himself, with his idea, completely unaware that the demon in front of him- his colleague, his equal, his _friend_\- was currently shattering.

She slid open the bottom drawer of her desk and ran a thoughtful hand over the books there. Cheap romance novels were one of Crowley’s finest contributions to evil on earth, and her personal favorite- humans were so stupid, and no less so in their stupid books about stupid people falling in love and being stupid because of it. They were entertaining, and hell was a bit short on approved forms of entertainment, and there was only so many times she could poke the human souls with a hot iron rod before it got old.

Of course, none of the seduction methods in these books actually worked. Crowley had entertained them all quite a lot over the years with his tales of convincing humans to try them, only to have them end up the worse for it. People who experienced humiliating rejection in the ways of love often did evil things, he’d explained.

Her hand stopped when she landed on one title she particularly liked.

_**The Stolen Bride of Harmony Castle**_.

A grin spread up her face. It was an evil grin, but not out of place in hell, so Gabriel didn’t notice.

“Take this one,” she said, handing him _Stolen Bride_. “It’s my _favorite_.”

-/-

Three days later, Gabriel once more burst into Beelzebub’s office, this time looking rather frantic and worse for wear.

“Did you know Aziraphale has a sword?!”

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re a fan of ineffable bureaucracy and abusing the Archangel Fucking Gabriel like me, head on over to Tumblr @grifalinas and hit me up! I’ll be the guy saying I’m not going to write an idea only to immediately write it.


End file.
